I'm Doing Something Right!

Being a parent is hard, being a special parent is so much harder than I ever imagined.  There isn't a "how to" handbook, trust me I went looking...and even to this day, I stop in every cute little book store hoping to hit the jackpot.

During a time in my life, when I question EVERY parenting decision that I make, very rarely do I get validation that I am doing something right.....BUT last night I had the most heart warming experience and a cue that I am on the right path as a parent.

Every night before bed, we go through our night time ritual.  Since my two little ones share a room, some times things can get crazy...last night was one of those nights.  I tucked everyone in, read our story (a really cool mystery) and attempted to leave the room.  Experience shows that I must re-enter and leave about 10 more times before my day is done.....I NEVER get to just walk out and call it good.   Last night my 3yr old wanted water, then the night light reset (because it is on a timer) and then.....well you get my point. Every time he "needs" something else before he settles down to go to sleep, he doesn't realize he is confusing Maddy.  My Madster is always on a ticking clock though.  It is in her best interest, to stay on schedule and minimize the stimulation, because every time she gets off track she has a harder time regaining focus.  Boundaries are very important for her.

Back to last night....

I finally did my 9th "you better got to sleep".  The first few were because my little one had his nightly requests, but the last 6 were because Maddy wouldn't stop blowing raspberries.  She was blowing raspberries on her legs, arms, hands...anything that would create the loudest raspberries possible.  Meanwhile, my little guy started out saying "be quiet Maddy" and by trip 9 he was screaming "BBBEEEEEEE QQUUUIIIIIEEEEETTTTTT  MAAAAADDDDDDDDDDYYYYYY!"  Not a pleasant way to try to end the day.  So, after taking a deep breath and counting to 10, I grabbed my book and book light and headed into the room for what may be a LONG visit. My job at this point is to calm down the toddler, so that the overstimulation and reinforcing that was happening to my Maddy could be diverted to something calmer. 

As I crawl into his bed (much to his approval) I give him a hug and tell him that his job is to be a good role model.  He has to try to remain calm and try to ignore the raspberries.  At this point the sound is so irritating that it has the same feeling as nails on the chalk board......it has reached a "hysteria" kinda level.  I give him another hug and speak in soft whispers about how big he is and how he is a wonderful little brother.  After about 10 minutes the volume level has softened and Maddy is now trying to listen to our conversation.

At this point Franky said "I Love Maddy" but he was so caught up in the emotion that he was feeling that he was almost stuttering trying to find the words.  "I.....I......Love, I Love....M, I Love Maddy Mom".   He then said "I Love her, I miss her when she is at school".  I was rubbing his back as he tried his best to express how much love he has for his sister.

In a family where it would be easy to be lost in the shadows, or feel resentment.....My little guy expressed his most overwhelming love for his life.

THIS is what my Mothering has done.....I have nurtured love, even within frustration. 

I feel blessed.
 

Counting My Blessings

You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them. ~Desmond Tutu

Yesterday pretty much sucked. I think the emotional roller coaster that I felt was just because of the change of "season". The new schools, new moms to meet....new stuff bothers me. I like it much better living in my own little bubble. I know it sounds pretty funny, because if you know me, you are probably shaking your head right now in disagreement. BUT REALLY PEOPLE.....I am a HUGE chicken for new things.

BUT....

THAT WAS YESTERDAY. It is amazing how much things can change in one day. I woke up this morning and I had little reminders about how wonderful things really are! For as much chaos as we have in our day to day life, we are so blessed. I am so blessed. I thought I would share some of my blessings with you.

1. I am blessed to be married to my VERY best friend. We have been married for 10 amazing, wonderful and exciting years. He is a wonderful friend, husband and father. I think back to when we were dating and I can easily see how much we have grown....together. We are two of the same. It really is wonderful. I'm not crazy, we have our moments also....you know the ones I am talking about. The little fights that happen for trivial stuff. The ones that seem like big deals in the moment, but you probably won't remember them in a month. That is NORMAL....but, in the big picture....I am so very blessed to be married to one of the greatest men I have ever had the pleasure to know. He is my husband and best friend.

2. I am blessed to have a brilliant, beautiful and amazing daughter. My little "L" is magnificent. She is kind and understanding. She is patient and persistent. She is smart and beautiful. SHE IS DANGEROUS...LOL. That was the mom in me coming out. I watched her walk up to me the other day, in her casual, no big deal fashion, from across the school yard and I had this weird out of body experience. I looked at her and thought "look at that beauty, wow! When did she get so big?" She has a wisdom about her that amazes me and the time that we spend together is so remarkable. I look into her eyes and feel her passion for life. I listen to her speak and hear her humor and wisdom. I watch her help others when they struggle. I watch her help her sister learn how to play "hide-n-seek" in the cabinets. She is AMAZING and I am so grateful to have her as my daughter. I can not wait to see what life brings her.

3. I am blessed to have the very special and amazing gift from GOD Miss. "M". I watch her bring peace and happiness to EVERY person she meets. I watch her triumph over little challenges that she is faced with daily, but never complain about any of it. I think she is a beacon of light. She is wise and has taught me patience in a way that can not be described. She has taught me not to care about what others may think....it doesn't matter. I look at her and wonder why I was chosen to be the mother of someone so special. SHE is brave and daring, beautiful and modest, kind and patient, determined and happy......I feel honored to be part of her life path.

I AM BLESSED......

The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.

~Erma Bombeck

Miss. Sassy-Pants!

We just started school (well it actually started last week, but today is our first full week). It is amazing to me that I still get chocked up. I'm not exactly sure if i am chocked up because I HATE new things, and starting out a NEW year sends me into turmoil or, is it because I am watching my kids grow up WAY to fast? I absolutely, positively....100% Love my kids and having them with me through the summer and letting go at the beginning of the year is VERY HARD.

So this morning we are starting our routines again. Trying to get back into the swing of things....The wake up at 7am, shower, breakfast, make lunches, brush teeth....then run out the door and join the rat races. We made it as far as breakfast and my quick moving train came to a screeching halt. Maddy decided that she wasn't going to take her medication. This is a little more than the "please take your Motrin because you are running a fever" stuff. Have you ever pleaded with your kids over that grape flavored cold/flu medication? Imagine giving your kids medicine EVERY DAY 2x a day. She takes two of them, they are the medication that controls her seizures. THEY ARE VERY IMPORTANT. She clamped down her lips and wouldn't open her mouth. I tried to pry them open with my fingers, I tired to bribe her with food, I tried to make her laugh, I tried begging.....didn't work. She just looked me right in the eyes and pucked her lips and protested the dreaded medication....Talk about breaking my heart!!! Finally with tears in her eyes, she GAGGED down the meds. UGH....if only it could be easier. Does she understand that if she doesn't take this stuff she will have hundreds of seizure.....how do I teach her with out really letting her experience the effects? Reasoning with a 5yr old just doesn't work. I guess I will continue my quest for yummy things that I can hide it in.......

"It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding." - Erma Bombeck

Dr. Visit AGAIN!

We had another Neurologist Appt. yesterday....I feel like that is all I report about....I really can't wait until the day that I don't have ANY unroutine (is that a word?) DR visits.

I had to report that my little one is still having seizures, this time though, I kinda felt like Charlie Brown when he was talking. All I really heard was blablablabla...bla...blabla......I felt like going to sleep, my eyes wanted to shut and I really didn't hear anything that he was saying. Do you think that I really was tired? Maybe it was the lights? Maybe I am just tired of NOT KNOWING what the hell is going on? He spoke about putting this little thing in her that goes right above her heart and sends shocks to her VEGA? nerve every 5 minutes....are you kidding me? I don't think I am ready to give my daughter SHOCK THERAPY.....For now we just UP'd her medication AGAIN!

I think the only reason that I am frustrated is because she is so darn CUTE and HAPPY that I just wish everything else would go away. Why should she have to struggle? Maybe the struggle is all mine?

Back in the swing of things :)

I'm officially back. I got a question for ya?? Have you ever had a bad day for no good reason...and then find out that one of your kids is sick? It is the strangest thing. Yesterday, I felt "off" and couldn't explain it. I really wasn't upset, nothing was really wrong, but I felt like something was wrong. When my youngest got home from school she was a little quiet, I know that sounds strange for a kid that doesn't talk to be quiet, but she was. She fell asleep at about 5:00pm and I kinda knew something might be up. At about 2am she started to cry. I listened for a minute to see if it was just a bad dream or more...have you ever seen that commercial where thee mom and dad are laying in bed and they hear the kid cry, the dad says did you hear that and the mom says "was it a mom or a MOOOMMM?"......it was kinda like that. I jumped out of bed fast enough that my husband got up too. He said what's wrong? I ran to my daughter (I know a little dramatic but for my 4yr old to cry like that is really NOT normal...so I knew something was really wrong, actually I thought it was seizure related at first). I took her to the couch and then.......we were running to the bathroom.

Man, it is horrible to have to hold your 4yr olds' head over the toilet while they scream and cry because they don't like to throw up.....

She is better now!! She has a temperature and is watching the Little Einsteins right now and it gave me a good excuse to keep her home from school so that I can take care of her.

The twinkle in her eyes...

Have you ever looked into eyes of a child and seen the universe? Maybe everyone has experienced that I'm not sure, but my little one holds the key. When I look into her eyes it is like seeing thousands of twinkling stars shining so brightly that you can't look away. Her eyes smile. My little M doesn't talk, she uses sign language, but sometimes when you look into her eyes you can almost hold a conversation. There is a purity to her that can't be denied. Sometimes when I look into her eyes I think I see straight into heaven.

Thank you God for sending me such a special little gift. She is my purpose, my joy, my love and my inspiration.