A special needs family has something special. It has all the inner workings of a typical family, but with an added amount of bonds, friendship, love and compassion. There is a much greater need for understanding and patience as well. Our family has all of this in an abundance. We have grown to learn that TOGETHER anything is possible. TOGETHER we can overcome anything.
What happens when things change and the inner structure of our family changes? Like for instance.....when one of our 5 pillars heads off to college.
Well, I should know very soon what happens.......because we just moved our oldest out of the house and into the "real world". A world that does not revolve around special needs......BUT as I say that, I can't help but to think of the fact that, as a pillar of our structure, everyone's identity is so closely intertwined that unraveling the connections may prove to be harder than the average college experience. I can see my children for who they are, but I can also see that their own identity is closely woven together that sometimes it is hard to see where one ends and another one starts. This is particularly true with my two oldest children. They are best friends. They are sisters. They are each others lighthouse.
As a mother, I truely believe in mothering my children and not necessarily being their "friend". That doesn't mean that we aren't friends, but it means that my first job, is to be their mother. As I sent my oldest off to college though, something dawned on me......I didn't cry. I didn't cry when we arrived at the college for the first time, I didn't cry when I helped her set up her dorm room, I didn't cry when we ate our final meal together before departing, I didn't cry when I dropped her off and headed to the airport.......I didn't cry.
Here is my theory. I think that at some point I silently slipped from the role of mothering my daughter in life.....to being her friend and cheering her on as a friend. As a friend, I don't feel like I am losing her. I feel like I am as excited for her and all of the life adventures that will be bestow upon her. I feel like I don't need to tell her what to do, but rather ask her what she is going to do. All of the lessons I taught her a her mother.....are now skills she will be using to make adult decisions that will be coming her way. Instead of feeling powerless and grabbing on and holding tight as her mom....I feel like as her friend it is ok to let go.
Selfishly.....and silently.
I am sad. As a special needs mom, so deeply woven into the fabric of my family, I am sad to lose the person that understands many of my struggles in such an intimate way....A way that even my closest friends don't understand, simply because she lives in our home and experiences the highs and lows right along side me. I am sad to lose my friend. My battle partner....because even though she is a sibling, and not the mother..... her inner fighter comes out,just as quick as mine when we are faced with certain situations.
I know things will be ok. I know that this is life. I know that our children are being raised, so that they can venture out into the world.... so that they can become so much more than what the 4 walls of our home could allow them to be.....BUT sometimes I just wish I could slow down the hourglass that seems to have opened its mouth up a little wider, and is letting the sand pass through a little quicker.
This next chapter in life, should be interesting.
