On our way to the NICU

Well, we are all loaded up and my precious little girl is strapped down in the incubator, heartbreaking, and we are on our way to the hospital.

I guess I should tell you that my oldest daughter was at home, for about a week now with grandma, and doesn't know exactly what is going on. The last thing that she knew was that mom was going to the hospital to have a baby and hasn't come home yet.

On our way to the NICU we stopped by the house so that I could give my sweet little girl a big hug and kiss and tell her that I love her. Have you ever had so many things go wrong that you grab onto the "normal" things so tight just to maintain sanity? My world was out of control and the only thing that I really knew was that when L was hurt all I had to do was kiss her and everything would be better, and now I had M in the hospital and all the kissing in the world could not fix her. Kissing her wouldn't even tell me what was going on. I was out of control and for a control freak like me, I was out of my mind.

Thank goodness for my husband! I had never given him credit before. I had, or at least I thought I had, taken all that life had to offer and filtered what I passed on to others around me, including him. I sometimes felt like I was the only strong one. I soon learned that I was only as strong as my kids were. They are my weakness.

After I went home for a brief moment, we made our way to the hospital. WOW, what a traumatic experience that was. We made our way through the maze of halls leading to the baby NICU and when we entered we were pounced on by all of the nurses working there. "WASH your hands for 1 minute" they demanded. They really didn't even know why I was there yet! After I followed their regimented cleaning system and got sterile, I was allowed to show my pictures to verify my identity and see my daughter. Oh the trauma! The NICU is not a fun place. This is a place where you find the smallest, frailest, sickliest and loneliest babies. It is sad to say that many of the parents for the children in the NICU (while I was there) had abandoned their babies. The nurses, lovely and kind nurses, had taken it upon themselves to hold every single abandoned child in their arms. Rocking and singing and just plain loving the little angels that have no one else.

We found out little M and touched her frail body. She had to lay on a baby bed/table with these heat lights on her. Then we started meeting all of the specialists that were going to be helping her. The started another array of tests and waited and watched for some sign of what might be going on. NOTHING.....that is what we found....NOTHING! I stayed in the hospital for two weeks, right by my baby's side, and all we really found out was that my baby was having seizures and they don't know why. We were put on some medication that was supposed to control the seizures and finally released from the hospital. What was I supposed to do now? How was I supposed to continue on? What was wrong with my baby? Am I going to break her? What if she has another seizure? Is there anyone else out there going through this too?

I AM ALL ALONE! JUST ME AND MY BABY!