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A special needs family has something special.  It has all the inner workings of a typical family, but with an added amount of bonds, friendship, love and compassion.  There is a much greater need for understanding and patience as well.  Our family has all of this in an abundance.  We have grown to learn that TOGETHER anything is possible.  TOGETHER we can overcome anything.

BUT.....

What happens when things change and the inner structure of our family changes?  Like for instance.....when one of our 5 pillars heads off to college.  

Well, I should know very soon what happens.......because we just moved our oldest out of the house and into the "real world".  A world that does not revolve around special needs......BUT as I say that, I can't help but to think of the fact that, as a pillar of our structure, everyone's identity is so closely intertwined that unraveling the connections may prove to be harder than the average college experience.  I can see my children for who they are, but I can also see that their own identity is closely woven together that sometimes it is hard to see where one ends and another one starts.  This is particularly true with my two oldest children.  They are best friends.  They are sisters.  They are each others lighthouse.

As a mother, I truely believe in mothering my children and not necessarily being their "friend".   That doesn't mean that we aren't friends, but it means that my first job, is to be their mother.  As I sent my oldest off to college though, something dawned on me......I didn't cry.  I didn't cry when we arrived at the college for the first time, I didn't cry when I helped her set up her dorm room, I didn't cry when we ate our final meal together before departing, I didn't cry when I dropped her off and headed to the airport.......I didn't cry.

Here is my theory.  I think that at some point I silently slipped from the role of mothering my daughter in life.....to being her friend and cheering her on as a friend.  As a friend, I don't feel like I am losing her.  I feel like I am as excited for her and all of the life adventures that will be bestow upon her.  I feel like I don't need to tell her what to do, but rather ask her what she is going to do.  All of the lessons I taught her a her mother.....are now skills she will be using to make adult decisions that will be coming her way.  Instead of feeling powerless and grabbing on and holding tight as her mom....I feel like as her friend it is ok to let go. 

Selfishly.....and silently.

I am sad.  As a special needs mom, so deeply woven into the fabric of my family, I am sad to lose the person that understands many of my struggles in such an intimate way....A way that even my closest friends don't understand, simply because she lives in our home and experiences the highs and lows right along side me.  I am sad to lose my friend.  My battle partner....because even though she is a sibling, and not the mother..... her inner fighter comes out,just as quick as mine when we are faced with certain situations.  

I know things will be ok.  I know that this is life.  I know that our children are being raised, so that they can venture out into the world.... so that they can become so much more than what the 4 walls of our home could allow them to be.....BUT sometimes I just wish I could slow down the hourglass that seems to have opened its mouth up a little wider, and is letting the sand pass through a little quicker.  

This next chapter in life, should be interesting.

I'm Doing Something Right!

Being a parent is hard, being a special parent is so much harder than I ever imagined.  There isn't a "how to" handbook, trust me I went looking...and even to this day, I stop in every cute little book store hoping to hit the jackpot.

During a time in my life, when I question EVERY parenting decision that I make, very rarely do I get validation that I am doing something right.....BUT last night I had the most heart warming experience and a cue that I am on the right path as a parent.

Every night before bed, we go through our night time ritual.  Since my two little ones share a room, some times things can get crazy...last night was one of those nights.  I tucked everyone in, read our story (a really cool mystery) and attempted to leave the room.  Experience shows that I must re-enter and leave about 10 more times before my day is done.....I NEVER get to just walk out and call it good.   Last night my 3yr old wanted water, then the night light reset (because it is on a timer) and then.....well you get my point. Every time he "needs" something else before he settles down to go to sleep, he doesn't realize he is confusing Maddy.  My Madster is always on a ticking clock though.  It is in her best interest, to stay on schedule and minimize the stimulation, because every time she gets off track she has a harder time regaining focus.  Boundaries are very important for her.

Back to last night....

I finally did my 9th "you better got to sleep".  The first few were because my little one had his nightly requests, but the last 6 were because Maddy wouldn't stop blowing raspberries.  She was blowing raspberries on her legs, arms, hands...anything that would create the loudest raspberries possible.  Meanwhile, my little guy started out saying "be quiet Maddy" and by trip 9 he was screaming "BBBEEEEEEE QQUUUIIIIIEEEEETTTTTT  MAAAAADDDDDDDDDDYYYYYY!"  Not a pleasant way to try to end the day.  So, after taking a deep breath and counting to 10, I grabbed my book and book light and headed into the room for what may be a LONG visit. My job at this point is to calm down the toddler, so that the overstimulation and reinforcing that was happening to my Maddy could be diverted to something calmer. 

As I crawl into his bed (much to his approval) I give him a hug and tell him that his job is to be a good role model.  He has to try to remain calm and try to ignore the raspberries.  At this point the sound is so irritating that it has the same feeling as nails on the chalk board......it has reached a "hysteria" kinda level.  I give him another hug and speak in soft whispers about how big he is and how he is a wonderful little brother.  After about 10 minutes the volume level has softened and Maddy is now trying to listen to our conversation.

At this point Franky said "I Love Maddy" but he was so caught up in the emotion that he was feeling that he was almost stuttering trying to find the words.  "I.....I......Love, I Love....M, I Love Maddy Mom".   He then said "I Love her, I miss her when she is at school".  I was rubbing his back as he tried his best to express how much love he has for his sister.

In a family where it would be easy to be lost in the shadows, or feel resentment.....My little guy expressed his most overwhelming love for his life.

THIS is what my Mothering has done.....I have nurtured love, even within frustration. 

I feel blessed.
 

Good Day and Optimism

Yesterday was an amazing day, especially after the week(end) that we had.  It was refreshing to have my kiddos wake up smiling and ready for the day.  Maddy even woke up ready to go...and not her typical "pull the covers back over her head scream session" that we typically get.  Most of the time when it starts out nice, it ends with a bang....isn't there an old saying "in like a lamb out like a lion"?....at our house it is more like, in like a lion out like a roaring lion...lol.

ALL of my kids were happy all day long.  The laughter and smiles were so welcome, that I sat basking in the happiness, trying to soak up every ounce because I never know when the tides will change.

We had a track meet yesterday.  Usually, when planning for a sports outing I have to cover EVERY possible base, just in case things turn bad and I need back up plan A, B or C.  Yesterday I planned for the worst and it worked out for the best :).  Those are rare moments around here.  Someone must have answered my prayers.

I am happy about things today, and these good times give me the energy to see past the recent gray skies, at the ray of sunshine poking its head out.

Being a parent of a special needs child can seem like a long and winding road.  Today though, I am only looking at my feet, taking one step at a time.  It is so much more manageable that way.